Dec 2010 15

Assignment from Don: ” Henri, you have to give me a song-a-decade from 1920-2010 that you would fuck your girlfriend to.”
Patrick: “And not your wife, your GIRLFRIEND, or we’ll fucking know!”

Ladies and Gentlemen, songs by which to recreate:

Fats Waller – “Ain’t Misbehavin’ “
I chose this because it seems to me that a whitey with a lady might be experimenting with the darkie music about this time.
You’re already taboo with the music, so it’s an easy slide into the pantaloons with the “We’ve gone this far, it feels good, and no one’s hurt, so why not go further and see how it feels?” line.

Bing Crosby- “Unchained Melody”
Bing Crosby gets ME wet, so naturally crooning about endless love when everything else is falling to shit is a sure fire way into the potato-sack-cum-panties of your depression-era-girl.

Tommy Dorsey w/Frank Sinatra – “Say It (Over And Over Again)”
A big band playing the backup tunes to the Crooning of Old Blue eyes, mix this with a Sailor suit and buddy, you’re on the fast track to pussy cat town.

Elvis Presley- “Love me Tender”
Show your sweeter side by asking her for her love, right before you “rock and roll.”

Janis Joplin – “Piece Of My Heart”
Raspy woman singing about “taking”, pop this in the 8-track and if the van is a rockin’….

Marvin Gaye– “Let’s Get It On”
If I have to explain or justify this one, then I’ll take your sex card now.

The Police- “Every Breath You Take”
Something about being stalked gets us randy in the 80′s, so pop in the cassette, pretend your Pinto is a Lamborghini and bang, bang, bang.

Tonic- “If You Could Only See”
Personal favorite, raspy voice displaying angst to the fact that you only know half as much love as I have for you. Drop it in your 5-Disc CD changer, hit loop, and make it last a whole 10 minutes.

Creed – “With Arms Wide Open”
Seriously, the hardest decade with a plethora of pop songs I couldn’t get anyone over the age of 14 wet to, AND THE cooler-than-thou underground bands so hip and new wave that I’d spend more time deciphering the lyrics to than getting slick with, all that leaves me is a left over from the late 1990′s, so upload this to your first version I-pod, hit recycle, and pound her good…but remember to plug it in, cause those bitches sucked the juice from a battery. (I-pod, not the lady ya perv…although….)