I Believe. . .0

That when you take an animal into your home it becomes part of your family and you are committed to doing everything in your power to give it a good life – even if it means dropping a few thousand bones on an emergency operation to remove a foreign object from its stomach.

That when you want the whole pie, you should have to pay for more than a single slice. The four wealthiest Americans only pay between 16 and 17% of their annual incomes in federal taxes – even though their annual incomes doubled – that’s right, DOUBLED -during Dubya’s term as president.

That I would never in a million years open one of those “pay by thumbprint” accounts at Jewel. All of my personal information available to anyone at the push of a button? No, thanks. I’ll pay for my groceries the old fashioned way — when I get them. I know I’ll be wasting THREE SECONDS OF MY DAY, but oh well.

That there is no way Dora the Explorer (if that is her real name) could fit everything she could ever need – EVER – into her tiny little backpack. Come on, Dora. What do you think I am, stupid?! And why is it that every path you take is a straight line? You don’t really expect me to believe that everything is that easy, do you? I wasn’t born yesterday!

That any soldier who is afraid of losing a leg while serving alongside a gay man or woman has no business serving our country.

That the best way to cook a turkey is upside down. That way, the juices from the dark meat can trickle down to the white. Trust me on this. Your turkey will be out of this world. It won’t look like your picture perfect, Norman Rockwell-style turkey, but who cares? It will go to the same place, right? And deliciously, too.